这几天我也只是勉强的过。
眼看着问题自己根本解决不了，很不好受。
好久没看到你们了。
我没有那个勇气去找你们。
我在逃避吗？
我已经承受不住一次又一次的对话。
连哭的力也没有了。
遇过无数的问题，我都熬过去。
很像没有事情可以打倒我。
这次我撑不过。。
谁可以明白我？
真的很累很累。。。

Finally I am home.
Yesterday I screwed up my last paper.
I'm not acting humble but I know my condition very well.
I packed and leave.
The excitement is totally not there.
Everyone posted 'home sweet home'.
But.... Is okay....
I am alone in the bus.
All the way I can't sleep even though I was really tired.
I was thinking how to confront all this.
Dad picked me up.
You all have made the decision without any consideration,
without any discussion.
I won't make any objection but I won't follow.
I will just do it by my way.
I have my decision as well.
Good luck and take care.

Within 24 hours

Within 24 hours I'll be sitting for a paper that I totally cannot focus,
and I'll be going back soon.
Last sem break, you all were waiting for me for dinner and with a table of food that totally suit my appetite.
Later,
I am still doubting am I have the chance to meet you.
I am not happy.
Smile on my face is just a fake...............
I couldn't focus.
I tried... I tried!.....  But I really can't....
I know I need to be strong but I am really mentally tired......
I control myself by not bursting out.
But right now I'm typing and dropping tears................
I have to face this cruel fact by myself.
I am being forced to be extra stronger.
I hope you can by my side right now even just listening to my difficulties.
At least someone to rely on.
I just don't want to interfere and create unnecessity worries for you.
Perhaps,
I can pass through by myself without relying on anyone.
Pray hard for everything.........

我懂这两天会很难熬。
担心多过专心。
你的威胁让我放不下心就这样跑回去。
眼看着各走各的我一点都帮不上忙。
我的意志力霎时间完全不见了。
其实你在哪里。。。
看着电话希望你的来电。
等你的回复。
怕陌生号码。
怕听到坏消息。
我的心真的定不下来。
我舍不得对你责骂。
骂你我更痛。
担心你快担心得我快疯了。
熬着熬着就会过去了对吗？

lujia susan hule...
luyi hujing yumei ruyou wuyi husi jule...
luwo.....................
zuzou huba.....
juyou duduo quyuan lujiu zuzou duduo suyuan..................
luwo lizhen qude humei ruyou aixin huqing wuqu juli kubie fude aishi....
huhui dudao juqu huwo women huyi gujing kubu nushi quwo yimen kele.......
huyi kujing ruhui subu dadao suchong wuqian....
luwo huzhi lixiang suyao puyi kuge luwan huzheng lide kujia.....
juni suzai hana kuli........
kuwo lizhen sude lizhen sude juhen fudan buxin suni....
luwo hukuai subeng fukui aile............

Same issue

Last sem same issue happened.
It this so called as coincidentally?
The same issue occurred before the last subject that I'm going to sit.
I wish to end up exam now by not going back home.
Where should I go...
I had a terrible dream this afternoon.
It was just like a movie and it was so real.
The ending wasn't good so I never wrote it.
I can't focus.
I have 10 days to study by right.
Now left 4 days before the last subject ends.
The fact is I haven't started any chapter.
My mind is full of the issue I'm going to face when I get back.
If avoidance helps,
If ignorance helps,
I will feel much more better right now.
I am not emotional.
This is not regarding emotion anymore.
It's more than that which I couldn't face it.
Positive minded doesn't help.
Cheerful doesn't help.
Just let it be helps.
Human human human.
The most complicated creature that hardly to be understood.
Miscommunication causes misunderstanding.
I hope I can be the angel that beautify all the misunderstanding.
Let me complete my last subject prettily without any regret.
Time to push myself harder and harder.

-True fact: I wish to eat chocolate right now-

Bangkok-Next destination

If I have cash in hand I will go for bangkok once I finish my exam.
Tha-chang will be the place that I will defnitely go for it.
I don't care.
Pattaya also.
Floating market there with variety of food.
I watched running man and here they went.
No need much.
5000 baht is enough for me to eat :(
Money restricted everything.
Eating always is the way that let me feel happy.

-Bring me along if you wanted to go-

You want I bear how much for it?

I really don't wish to go back to face everyone of you.

It's a kind of mentally torture for me you know or not...........

Everything has changed.

You want I withstand for how long????

You expect what can I do for you???

I can't!!!

Why just can't live peacefully as before???

Tolerate so hard for you all??????

You all want everyone to spilt only know how to appreciate is it???

Please....

I really feel very helpless..

Don't everything just push to me......

I cannot withstand....

I cannot.....

Mentally torturing me.....

Forgive me for my selfishness.

It's too much for me.......

Just let me go....................

原点

三天的时间在尽情的享受。

明天就要开始拼了。

这三天太多的回忆了。

15号和wakakaka 去 alor star比赛。

虽然只得了优秀奖但主要的目的并不是奖项。

只是一起的日子。

也有不同的看法。

对我而言这事情没有对与错，看你的出发点在哪里。

简单的夜宵却很开心。

16号又去alor star。哈哈。

在车上拍照。

等红绿灯也拍照，鬼脸最会摆。哈哈。

午餐一起吃，笑个不停。

唱歌的时候表情一大堆。

走音的走音，傻的傻，喊的喊。

就是那种毫无束缚的唱出来。

一个字。爽！！！！

晚餐肉骨茶，坐了下来讲废的，有的没的。

闲话其实让大家更加的亲近。

也一次第一次看戏。

Madagascar 3。

不知觉的把各自的角色归类进了电影里面。

玩起了角色扮演。

在戏院里听见大家的笑声，是真的笑疯了。

感觉很真就对了。

疯狂的我们。

这是我大学生涯里最疯狂的一次。

去海边！

一起笑，一起演，一起乱喊，乱跳。

找对人疯狂也很重要。

一期吃早餐。

第一次那么多的一起。

这样越是令我不舍。

已经很努力让自己时常需要调试自己的心情。

一路走来说长不长，说短不短。

离别时不想对视。

总觉得回到原点的感觉很难受。。。

有人告诉我：“你们下个 sem 可能不会那么好了”

可能吧。。

专注力不同了。

焦点不一样了。

这种感觉我也不想说了。

有心维持没有什么是不可能的。

不要那么容易被影响。

有人问我：“为什么吧自己搞得那么累？”

我也质疑过自己，有这个必要？

当我想回去所有的过程，点点滴滴。

再累都值得。

这种感觉你没有体验过你不会感受到那份感动和激动。

玩够了，哭够了，笑够了，疯够了。

大家是时候回到原点了。

珍惜那些曾经用心交朋友的朋友吧。

-相识也是种缘分-

JE of CR term 2011/2012

The first and ever last gathering for CR department.

Initially I didn't plan to write anything about it but...

I saw an album with all the members' photo.

I saw a story inside.

It's a real story that draws the feeling out.

I can strongly feel the bonding and the touching moment they have gone through.

I feel like dropping tears by just looking at others' photo.

I always believe photo tells everything.

The separation isn't nice.

Who will like to have such a painful feeling?

Nobody likes.......

I can feel the bonding at our department but it's really really too late...

Everything is just came at the wrong timing.

I feel painful during the sharing session.

I have such a big regretful in my life.

We can be so good why it just came so late.

The most unaccepted thing for me is not failure but regretful.

I will remember the closest night that we had.

If let me start all over again I will choose you all as my teammates again.

I hope it can start all over again,

but I know I am just dreaming.

What I can do is for my term I wish for a very strong bonding.

I want every single one of us is just like a family or more than that.

I officially ended my role as...

Junior Executive of Corporate Relations term 2011/2012.

:'(

Spontaneous

Yesterday I did a crazy stuff.

I know it was irrational but just let me spend few hours to let myself settle down.

It's just come at a right timing that I seriously want to relieve.

I went for K.

It's a rush and not enough but be contented.

If K can help people to relieve I bet the world will be wonderful with all the smiling faces.

Fact is, it's just a temporary relaxation.

I know what to do and what to respond.

One whole night is more than enough for me to reflect myself.

Thanks for the person who by my side when I need.

Thanks for the person know what I'm thinking by just looking into my eyes.

Thanks for the person who makes me more understand myself.

No matter who you are and where it happened.

Your existence was a memory for me.

It will always be a happy memory for me that keeps deep down in my heart.

-Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the number of moments that take our breath away-

10/6/2012

Business Law.
I didn't expect to score well in this paper.
I just screwed up the whole paper.
The first time at UUM I stay for the whole paper until finish.
It wasn't that proud to say that.
As I don't know what am I answering.
The first time I feel nervous before entering the exam hall.
I am calm enough every time before I enter exam hall.
Because I have fully prepared.
This time I really couldn't figure out the way to understand you my BL T.T
Just pray hard I don't want to retake this paper.
PHOBIA!!!
And it did affected my mood and coming performance.
AHHHHHHH~~~
Must steady a bit!!!
I need to study hard for the next paper to secure back my pointer.
TARGET!!!

I just curious you can chat so much with others,
but you ignored me...
I feel upset.
For so many times I tell myself,
"Stop contributing"
But I still do so.
Girl.
Care someone worth to be cared.
Love someone worth to be loved.
But I always fail to do so.

-I am not a self-centered person, I just wish to care for the person I want to care-

泪浅

终于忍不住大哭了一场。

不是压力的哭泣。

而是抉择让我喘不过气。

没有方程式。

我会把题目做错。

我没有时间去订正。

教我该怎么做。。。

Merely expressing

Forgive me if I talk too much.
Once come to exam period I will be another person.
I don't know where to release my tense.
I am hardly to catch up what I'm revising right now.
Business Law? Not my scope obviously.
I have the strong intention to study! Yes. Definitely yes.
But just let me focus one thing can?
I have 3 combo exams.
How am I going to complete another task at this time.
I am not a robot.
I just don't get you but I let it be,
I have no time to give anymore feedback.

HUH.......
I'm craving for delicious food.
Any delicious food that able to cheer me up.
Chocolate, steamboat, sushi, ice-cream...............anything.......
Where to get...
I don't have a proper meal since I came back.
Whole day long staying inside room and forcing myself to revise 3 papers.
Everyone is facing exam also.
How could I find someone to share???
They are tense also.
I cannot be that selfish.
I just wish this season faster pass.
I'm expecting something much more funnier and happier.
I'm seriously very stress.
I don't wish to show also but the best way is to type instead of talk.
At least I won't make any noise or annoys.

Finally, I realize how was the feeling when missing someone.
It's no wrong for missing someone.
But it's wrong to miss someone that never care about you.
You know everything, but you don't know you're neglecting me.
Should I say I shouldn't expect anything from you?
Whatever you did, I am not under your consideration.
Only I will be the one who stand by your side and think for you.
I always choose do thing silently as I worried.
*laughing on myself*
How stupid was this girl.
Behind not expecting still expecting something.
That's me.
Always think too much.
You have your road, I have my way.

I am merely expressing my feeling.
Nothing can beat you down right Cheong Kar Yen.
I hope so :((((
Ok la....
The onle word I can say is Jia You.

-I'm still craving for food-

6月7日

6月7日                    星期四                                                         晴

这个日期虽然已逝多年但依然清晰。三年前的今天单纯的我做着单纯的事。趁着补习的空档给你惊喜，做了些甜品给你。看见你吃的时候嘴角上扬，不费我花时间去做虽然那时有考试。短暂但美好。

日记好久没写了。不生疏。之前为你写的也不少。看见现在的你过得很好，真的别人所说的他过得开心就好啦。我放下了的。真的。只是纯粹想祝福远方的你 “生日快乐”。

相识也是一种缘分。无论结局如何，毕竟曾经相爱过，经历过。至少彼此在过程里成长了许多。有失才有得。

生日快乐！

我说

我说。

如果有一天我不再联络你，你会察觉到吗？

我说。

其实对你而言我是谁？

我说。

是不是默默地就好。

我说。

我总会安慰别人，自己却安慰不了自己。

我说。

你听到了吗？

实践不了的承诺

休息了一晚，沉淀了一晚，没有理由再堕落下去。

我这个感性的女人，有时太感性反而累事。

放不下一段感情。

总是在乎一段感情的得与失。

我给自己的承诺，很抱歉，我没办法实践。

答应过自己，一切结束后就要停止。

我知道我根本做不到.

事实证明我真的做不到。

想念的心停不了。

很想说真的想你。

女人有时就是那么的傻。

就让我傻下去吧。。。。。。。

一步一脚印

这将会是我最长的一个 blog。
趁着当下的回忆还那么的新鲜，我就要快点记载下来。

有一天一镇阳在 FB 找我，问我要不要参加团康跳舞比赛。
想了想答应了他，毕竟我也很喜欢跳舞可是对团康的了解不多。
我们两个很久了还找不到组员。
那时我有想过想退出因为是考试的时候。
忘了为什么继续走下去，可能因为一些事情吧~
那时只有我，镇阳和政荣(UPM)。
政荣是去年团康舞蹈总决赛和镇阳一起的冠军队其中一个成员。
过后慢慢的找了Travic。
可能看过他 shuffle，所以印象不错，哈哈。
然后我，镇阳和 Travic 趁着 Global Fiesta 试场我们的 Lovey Dovey。
感觉不错，可是有待加强。
过后继续的找队友。
找了 Ariel，我们都 okay。
最后一个镇阳才想到淑仪，竟然忘记了一个住那么近的人。哈哈。
我记忆中的她就是一起补习的同学。
过后大家想了很多奇奇怪怪的组名，
终于选了淑仪想的 Wakakaka，感觉不错，蛮搞笑的。哈哈

开始了第一次的练习。
大家就跟着镇阳开始记舞步。
大家都很僵硬。尤其是我。
没有表情的跳，根本带动不到，那时我不知道在团康里表情很重要。
大家有时间就会聚在一起练习。
而政荣就靠我们上载我们跳的给他自己练习。
听镇阳说他很会troubleshoot 问题。不错。哈哈
大家的感情就普普通通咯，没什么特别进展。
本来决定参加北马去入选赛，却因为听说很多组参加所以去了中马区。
反正那时的大家大学放假。

终于一个星期的假期来了！！！
终于大家可以聚在一起练习。
早上带了Travic 吃肉骨茶，他讲不好吃。=.=
然后镇阳载了淑仪，政荣一起来。
第一次见到政荣，不错，可以欺负的。啊哈哈哈哈哈
然后我们就去了 Aeon Jusco 买我们的比赛服装。
选颜色都很有讲究，时间有限，大家选选下就回去了。
在镇阳家开始练习了，教政荣，他很像很压力因为只有一晚的时间练。
那时 Ariel 还在芙蓉所以不能团圆。
晚上 Ariel 终于到 banting 了，开始了我们最密集的练习。
大家都很担心。
可是到了半夜真的进步很多，我的信心来了。
可能不是最好的，可是一晚的时间有这样的成果已经很好了。
我不知觉的成为了闹钟，一直乱他们起身。哈哈。
隔天早上最后的练习我们往 Time Square 去。

中马区入选赛我们来啦！！！哈哈
由于技术问题大家无法完整的把 Lovey Dovey 呈现。
那时的失落感谁会没有，可是我们没有放弃，决定去北马比过！
意外的，惊喜地。我们摘下了中马区的冠军。
因为我们一上台的感觉已经受得评审的认同。
我真的激动到哭了出来，组员也哭了。
当下的感动现在还历历在目。

当然过后的路更难走了。决赛不是随随便便就可以敷衍掉。
决赛直接撞准准考试时间。
因为考试会不想来练习？因为手上有活动不来练习？
这都是因素之一，镇阳曾经有退赛的念头因为这些因素。
我和淑仪都想继续走下去，这一路走来不想就这样放弃。
练习时间的确越来越少，
镇阳的压力也越来越大。你不说可是我懂，大家都懂。
遇到了瓶颈，想不到更好的舞步，没有一个确定的舞步。

过后我们都决定参加团康带动舞学习坊。
也是同样的聚在了镇阳的家。
真的很感恩他的家人那么的照顾。全家人都好好。
去了唱 K，玩了一整天。
晚上才开始练习，懊恼的事还是舞步问题，想不到适合的。
练习到半夜，大家都很累很累。
隔天早上我又是闹钟去乱他们！
他们男生真的很难才会醒！！！！
可是我喜欢去乱他们醒来。哈哈
搭巴士去了KL参加学习坊。
这次的学习坊真的让我们获益良多。让我也更了解团康。
更重要的是我们的感情变得很好很好。
我真的会很不舍得他们。会非常的不舍。
我和淑仪真的很傻吧？会聊到哭。会不舍。会想念。会一起笑一起哭。
我真的很享受在学习坊与他们相处的感觉。

这个阶段是最难熬的阶段。
因为考试，功课，活动，表演，练习。
其实大家都很压力，喘不过气。
可是那份不放弃的心真的吓死人。付出及牺牲都看得到。
用skype 练习，靠上载video 给政荣看。
而我夸张的晕倒。我不懂原因，可是我不会放弃这条路，因为我很在乎。
过程里有conflict。对我讲话的语气的确伤到了我。
可是我真的了解大家真的很累很累，压力，不够睡，脾气就会不好。
所以就互相体谅吧。留了不少汗水及泪水，更留了回忆。
很大的问题我们根本没有办法full team一起来练习。
不是我们不要，真的是很有心无力，真的。。。

总决赛前一晚大家才正式的聚在一起。你不紧张？我很担心。
我们练习时间只从 12a.m 到5a.m，练我们的 Lovey dovey 和坏女孩。
就算有一个小时睡我还是睡不着，我心情很复杂。
我们要的是五强就够了。至少把坏女孩带到台上。
这就是我们的目标，不渴望什么。

终于，全国团康带动舞观摩大赛正式开始！！！！
开始了准备，化妆。。。
比赛前 chorus 还是会有问题，看得出他脸上的不安。
很想上前安慰可是。。。算了吧。。。大家尽力就好。
我们就尽量的享受了过程，拍照，疯狂，做傻事。哈哈
谢谢我的家人和亲戚来捧场，我真的很感动，他们给了我动力。
我们把 Lovey Dovey  表演完了，心松了。
换上衣，准备听五强的宣布。我告诉过自己，无论成绩如何都要接受。
一队以队的公布就是没有我们的名字。
最后一组的时候我心里已经在颤抖。
“北大，博大 Wakakaka!!!!!!!” 是我们是我们！！！！！
要我怎样！我现在着写着都会掉泪！！
当时的我哭了出来，是五强！五强！我们可以把坏女孩带上台了！！！
我们豁出去了！就只是享受整支舞。
唯一的遗憾是我跳错，不应该的事可是我竟然去做，真的对不起。。。
我们获得了最佳网络人气奖及最佳团队奖。
当时我已经很满足了，成绩真的不怎么重要了。。。
公布成绩的时候我没有比公布五强时候的激动，反而非常的淡定。
意外的进了三甲。第三名是Bubble，我心目中的冠军人选。
当下的我真的有想到冠军就会是我们。我有那个念头。
可是我们得了亚军。。哈哈。。无所谓啦。。
看了冠军队伍的再次演出其实他们实至名归。
这次的赛果我想都没想过，一晚的练习就冲去了总决赛。
其实要讲我们勇敢叻？还是不怕死？哈哈
那份感动到现在我还停不下来，大家肯定非常的兴奋。

我真的感恩这次的比赛让我们认识了彼此。
让我真正体会到“团”的感觉。
我很不舍，很不舍。
那个感觉真的很真实。
我们奋斗了那么久只为了共同的目标。
结束了，告一段落了，大家真正的回归各自的岗位。
心里面向说的我肯定说不完，我不想再做哭包了 ><
怎么可以一直让我那么的感动。。。
我们可以不要划下句号吗？逗号，感叹号，省略号可以吗？
我们何时还会那么的相聚。。。
我真的爱你们我的 Wakakaka。。。

-一起笑，一起哭-