Yes. It happened.

Right now what I can do is just pretending like I am really okay.
It might be my last blog before semester reopens, perhaps last blog.
It is a curse that every sem before last paper ends there will be something happen to interrupt my life.
Same to this time.
And the seriousness causes me last night really feel like jumping from the high building and just close up this 'file'. I know it is a STUPID action ever to choose to suicide. I won't be doing that. I just truly understand how one people's problem can affect the overall situation even affected the basic harmony.
You choose not to tell me because worrying I am still having my exam. Somehow, another people called me to let me know what's happening and the seriousness is already out of my control and ability to solve it. First come to my thought: 21 years of relation you just leave it like this.
I have no energy to cry anymore. I have to go back and settle down everything and pretend nothing is happening on me. I know I am the only support for you all.
I made a very tough decision for giving up my position and I have no choice until this decision made. I still have one more paper to go and right now be positive really doesn't work much anymore, it is just a guidance. The most important is come out with a solution that I probably.............ok............... Is very samfu for keeping myself in this way. Everything just comes to me and just be stronger and stronger. I have nothing much to say anymore.

Why is me...
I ever pray hard and never request much...
Now..
You leave me on the path alone and bear everything...

只是个仪式。

一大堆的问题还没有解决，我根本没有心情过年。现在过年对我而言，只不过是一个仪式。大一岁了，更需要懂事，更需要承担，更需要面对你往往意想不到的挫败。
这次的过年真的没期待什么。不奢望多红包，多外游，只祈求我心里最简单的愿望可以成真。
第一次那么的没有过年气氛。生活还是要过。反而更希望可以趁这个假期可以做工。赚钱。增值。

有我在

考试，真的没什么。
身旁接二连三的恶讯似乎提醒着我遗憾在召唤我了。
我现在的心情真的很复杂。咪，我们变得亲近了很多，什么事你都毫无隐藏的告诉我，我也愿意和你分担所有的担子。我很心痛你必须一个人去承担。就连弟弟也因为没有人可以顾而被逼上早上班和午班，你的开销又大了。我更心痛一个小孩有家归不得。daddy什么事都不顺，还需要承担那么重的担子，协调，做中间人20年，独自咽下泪水，我懂你流泪。你打给我，只是看见来电显示我的眼泪已经流了下来，你问我几时回家，我的心更是难受。你都不让我知道你面对了什么问题。我唯一能做的只有把家里婆媳关系慢慢协调。关系已经到了6个月没有讲话的地步，我何尝不想一家人像之前乐也融融，有谁会不想。
两个弟弟不懂事，自私，回到去我需要慢慢的开导。他们不再象之前会听我说，开始反抗，甚至不把我放在眼里。身为一个姐姐难道我放弃他们？？？？我。做不到。
我已经忘了真正开心的时光是几时了，那种感觉已经离我很遥远。
咪，其实每次你打电话给我，我真的很愿意听的。你总担心会影响我，会是会，可是我不听，你好有谁可以倾诉。我真的愿意听。在你面前我不会垮，我垮了，谁撑你。
每一次的通话我都是强忍着泪水因为我真的不想让你再多一份的担心，再苦我都会陪你走。