撑着吧，会过去的。

当自己的好朋友的父亲因车祸不幸身亡，那种心情很复杂。这件事让我看清无论我家的状况几糟糕我都不可以放弃我的家人，要好好的爱他们，了解他们。
所以我回家了，虽然只有五天。
过去一个月，时常收到妈妈的电话，信息，相信我，没有一次是好消息，每一次都是问题。我试着去听，给建议，换来的是外人的批评，弟弟的不信任。那也算了，只要我所做的都是为家里好。
回到家，还没入眠，听到的又是问题，隔天起来更多的问题。没完没了。我该讲的都讲了，该做的都做了。为什么经过了那么多，你们还是不会长大，还是生活在自己的世界，自己的原则里。每个人都扮演着不同的角色你们懂吗？我是和平调合者吗？
身为女儿，姐姐，孙女，外甥，我真的无法满足你们每一个人，懂为什么我不想回家吗？因为不像一个家。可是我很怕自己后悔，所以无论情况几糟糕，几累，我都不可以放弃。这条路很难走，我不懂这些事几时才能解决，这些分裂就算凑得回也会有裂痕。
撑着吧，会过去的。

Happiness is a choice

If I chose to write at here means I have no one to share my feeling anymore. Share with my 2 best friends? I didn't think to share to them regarding work. It's too complicated to express my feeling. It has been 11 months. I learnt need to be true to myself. Is everything still relevant? Am I doing my best? Am I managing my team well? Am I driving the right culture to this team after so many months?

I am not capable to be frank. I am afraid I ruin things. Yes, I am very positive, I am very keen to make changes but what have I achieved after going through so many? After doing a self-reflection, I am not practicing striving for excellence. I hope to empower youth! I hope can inspire more and more people but not at this circle. How come.

I know I cannot be like this because I sure will regret!!!!!!! I cannot create a bad team experience to people.

1) Create a support system among EB.
2) MT I will not give up on them.
3) My directors and JEs have sense of purpose in AIESEC.

It will be a huge challenge for me. Even though right now I am very tired but I cannot give up. Actions need to be taken already. Start doing people! Start from tomorrow I will be reflecting on team performance and self-performance. YOU CAN DO IT CKY!

-Keep smiling no matter how much shit other people give to you-

LOVE

It has been a long time I do not experience it and recently I really start reflecting and questioning myself am I ready for it or even am I deserve for it. I have a long chat with my director regarding this topic and he made me realize that I set expectation at the beginning which unconsciously rejected people around me. I have a too strong sense of self protection and I never reflect myself that am I eligible to have so many criteria for it? I do not have. It's the time I need to let go my inner worries and start accepting and knowing new people which I never wanted before. Knowing new people and share experiences, stories and knowledge indeed is good but sharing of privacy I am still a bit stepping backward. Give other a chance, is giving myself a chance as well.

-Undeniable, LOVE is very powerful-

YAY!

I think I have found what I really like and interest in.

FACILITATOR!
It is sound so technical but it matches my personality so much. Someone said to me :"Lecture again, lecture again". HAHA. I am not lecturing yet I am sort of giving advice. Facilitator is more than that. I have been waiting for this opportunity for almost one year and finally it comes and I got it. When I received the email I shouted out. I never thought I can be so happy and excited for it. Yes, I am anticipating to become facilitator for MyLDS'14.

When the moment someone tells you :"Thanks for leading me in a right path", "Thanks for being so inspiring". "Thanks for letting me know where I should improve". All this means so much to me that I am able to help. Even though I am still lacking of and still improving but I am really privilege that I am able to talk, to share, to listen and to walk. Some people not even have the opportunity to have an education, not even have a proper meal. I am not able to contribute monetary but this is the least I can do for this community. It sounds impossible when I want to convince people to believe in what I am doing but it doesn't matter as I am doing a right and meaningful thing. I am really privilege to be chosen and lead a bunch of delegates. I believe what comes around goes around. It will be a promise to myself that:

-I will leave an impact on you and you-

迷茫

曾经何时，这里变得不再熟悉。

曾经何时，我对人生有了不同的看法。

曾经何时，所有的事变得不再重要。

已经麻木身旁所发生的事。终于理解能医不自医何解。忙忙碌碌，匆匆忙忙，为的还是前途？为的是学习？为的是让家人有更舒适的环境？曾经是奋斗的理由，已变得没有意思。无论再高的荣誉，多么的有成就，得到多么多的肯定及赞赏。原来，这一些虚荣不是我要的。我的心已没有了温暖。我已经忘了家的感觉。我不再属于那个地方。我不再象以前因为他们而奋斗，而打拼。你们不再是我奋斗的理由，我感觉不到你们与我同行。这一路，我走得很孤独。

你们是我唯一奋斗的理由，而现在也是我放弃的理由。我现在已经没有了依靠。就连你们我也靠不了。不是不独立，而是我没有靠下去的理由。我真的不懂我奋斗来给谁看？

我变了。变得不再感性，变得实际。变得我自己都觉得我很可怕。我再也不是个简单的女生。

我已经看不见未来。质疑自己还能撑多久。

Genting

I want to record the moment so much right now. I never expect you will spend 2 days of your weekends for me. It is not a big deal for you but it means so much to me for my semester break. It has been a long time I never been protected and concerned as this. I used to care for others and protect others. This 2 days I was like totally blank out my mind and just follow whenever direction you were bringing. You fooled me in direction sense and I got fooled as well =.=

When crossing road, I had someone to remind me to be careful. When choosing food, you always let me decide and always ask patiently. When I was sleeping, you put on blanket for me. When I wanted to sleep inside the bus, you said I can lean on your shoulder if I wanted to. When I was taking ktm to go back, you purposely went to the station you will not drop by to ensure I was actually following the correct platform.

As a friend, I really feel touched and appreciated for what you have done because nobody did this to me before. I have a very great and meaningful weekends. I feel distress and relax. Thank you very much! :)

Father

What is father means to you? A person who gives you pocket money? A person who provides you education opportunity? Or a person that fetches you up and down?

My father never did all this to me. He is always so cool. I knew I can't even talk about father this word. My eyes is full of tears now.
I acted like don't care and didn't even take initiative to care and talk with him. I am a cruel daughter right. I never concern about him. I knew when I fetched him and he was sitting behind I can feel how discomfort is him, how unhappy he is and how struggling he is in this family. I have the mind I hate him a lot to mess up a family and I am the one who has to bear everything but why I am still willing to do so.

I cannot afford of losing him but what I have done for him. Even I cannot forgive what he had done but what he had done is it for us? He never tell us and I have no gut to ask, because I can foresee once I bring up this topic, a lot of truth will be uncovered. I am escaping is it. Selfish is it?

Dad, actually how you feel now. Is it no one to share and very disappointed to me this daughter that you love the most but I never concern about you.

Forgive my cruelness. This will be no ending. Kar Yen, just go and talk to your dad please, he needs you.......