勇气

上个星期有个活动现场测试面试能力，我是其中一个自愿的代表。我把我最好的一面，原因为什么那个公司需要请我，强悍的一面表露。评审的评语：“无可质疑，你有很强的一面，介意我问你一个问题？爸爸和妈妈你比较爱谁？”。毫无犹豫我回答了：“爸爸。再愣了几秒，我再回答：“这是一个很敏感的话题，我应该说其实我两个都爱”。评审：“那为什么刚才第一个回答的是爸爸？”。我：“因为默默地付出”。当下的我其实已经忍得很辛苦。我根本不想再继续回答可是我不可以表露。很好的一个问题，到最后得到了评审的赞赏，可是有用吗？一个再成功的人连回答这个问题的勇气都没有，连泪水都咽不下去。。算什么。

从小到大最令我应以为傲的并不是我的成绩，并不是身旁有多少的朋友而是我的家。我很幸福，真的很幸福。虽然并不富裕，只是简朴，可是我得到的关爱及家的温暖总让我在朋友面前炫耀我有一个无可取代的家，我有把我捧在手心的家人。当所有事情已经不如从前，我连提起“家”的勇气都没有。每一次的提起就像把盐撒在我发炎的伤口。

事到如今，我已经心灰意冷。我一直的坚持难道只是为了我自己？你们是让我坚持也是放弃的理由。这一条路真的走得很辛苦。要有多少的自我鼓励才能坚持到最后。。。

Intense day

I can foresee the fruitfulness and tiredness for coming days.
Right now I have felt everything is very intense, I have to digest it in a very short time and deliver it effectively. Everything is start from myself where honestly a lot sacrifices is needed. No pain definitely no gain. Where I have heard something that some people perceive I am a VP who not strong enough that's why even they like this department but they never apply for it. Of course, I feel quite sad when I heard that. They are not stupid, they start perceiving and demanding. I would want to say, I will prove you are wrong.

I have known this journey will never be easy as everyone is looking, evaluating and judging whatever I am doing. Cheong Kar Yen, you are stronger that what you think. Be persistent and you can do it!!!!

Determine?or determined?

I never realize it becomes so important to me until I lose it.
It has been quite a tough 2 weeks for me as I put a very high expectation on myself which others might not perceive the same as mine.
Within this 2 weeks, I tested my determination and ability. It's even lower than I thought. At such a moment, the only way to make myself recover from it is always self-motivation. The moment of give and take should occur constantly which I have to really learn about it.
During announcement, I knew the probability I am going to fail is high. I know that, I really know where I stand and there is not much surprise when result announced.
Everyone will approach you and tell you :" Don't give up, run for second round".
Thanks for supporting honestly, just at that moment the feeling is extremely complicated, don't wish to show any disappointment or sadness, keep for myself. I saw improvement on me that can control my emotion well at that moment. Everyone is hugging me, consoling me, where you are the one who actually only talks with me when we all dismissed. You didn't say much, you touched my hair and hug me tightly. I was about to cry when you was hugging and whispering to me (even I don't concentrate listening).
I believing in "when you fall, you know who is your friend".

Superwomen

This will be the most unhappy Chinese New Year for me so far. Since the day I reached Klang after final examination I have received a lot of life changing news. I have a lot of hidden feelings to express. The feelings of scare, anxious and afraid never disappear when I’m staying at home. I hate you for your irresponsibility, closed communication and avoidance for what had happened. If these never happen I will be celebrating my Chinese New Year happily. I HATE you know or not???? How wish I could live peacefully but…. Once I looked into your eyes and back, my heart is painful and tearing! All my thoughts disappeared. What I can I help now to minimize the mistakes done?

Ones whispered to me and say: “You are a tough girl”… I have not cried for a very touching movie as tears not to be dropped in such a way anymore, but I cried silently whenever I think of you. You are the reason who makes me tearing.

Every step that I’ll be taking I have to take in many considerations as it is not just about myself anymore. I am a tough girl as usual. I also need a shoulder to rely on and a peaceful place as a shelter. I used to rely on you very much and always. My life is full of your memories. I once again imagine, once again asking myself can I live without you. The answer will still be the same. This few days this feeling has become stronger. I don’t want to guess, don’t want to think, just want it to be like usual. I could not find anyone else that understands me as you did anymore. I wish for a temporarily separation for us to test how much we mean to each other. Perhaps this is just a relying habit, no other meaning.

Back to university, mind is much more complicated. How wish I could stay at home and bear together. Dream has become so ambiguous. Whatever happens, I have to stay focus, stay focus and stay focus. My aunt told me:” when realistic problems come, mission and vision is just nothing”. She once told me:” You have additional concerns compared with others who are just studying but trust me you grow faster than others, be strong”.  Actually I have heard about it for many times but it’s pretty true. After wrote everything, mustn’t beat down by anything that comes across me. I will really try, have faith on myself, don’t cry. I am a superwomen. 

Sem Break

This sem break doesn't make any happiness to me, more to restructure and replan my Life. It's really a matter of life. Finally I can access to internet, haha, a nice and comfortable place for surfing, undeniable.

Where to start, yes, planning to move but so much restrictions.
Something will just out of your ability to solve. When you are seeing others are putting so much of efforts to help where I am the one seems so useless, at that moment stop studying comes to my mind, but after calming down this idea is definitely is not a wise one.
I have been emitted into hospital due to virus infection, today just discharged and thank god I am fine now. The moment I was at emergency room I smelled the medicine, the sadness on patient and seriousness of doctors and nurses, it's not a nice feeling though.

I will remember this right now until forever : As long as you are still alive, life is still moving on.

Yes. It happened.

Right now what I can do is just pretending like I am really okay.
It might be my last blog before semester reopens, perhaps last blog.
It is a curse that every sem before last paper ends there will be something happen to interrupt my life.
Same to this time.
And the seriousness causes me last night really feel like jumping from the high building and just close up this 'file'. I know it is a STUPID action ever to choose to suicide. I won't be doing that. I just truly understand how one people's problem can affect the overall situation even affected the basic harmony.
You choose not to tell me because worrying I am still having my exam. Somehow, another people called me to let me know what's happening and the seriousness is already out of my control and ability to solve it. First come to my thought: 21 years of relation you just leave it like this.
I have no energy to cry anymore. I have to go back and settle down everything and pretend nothing is happening on me. I know I am the only support for you all.
I made a very tough decision for giving up my position and I have no choice until this decision made. I still have one more paper to go and right now be positive really doesn't work much anymore, it is just a guidance. The most important is come out with a solution that I probably.............ok............... Is very samfu for keeping myself in this way. Everything just comes to me and just be stronger and stronger. I have nothing much to say anymore.

Why is me...
I ever pray hard and never request much...
Now..
You leave me on the path alone and bear everything...